You Knew This was Coming: Robert Pattinson is a Work of Art

Seeing Robert Pattinson shirtless is like shopping at Target.  You don't know you need it until you see it. Let's just say I added Shirtless Rob to the ever growing list of things that no other man will ever be able to compare with.

Exhibit 1: Robert Pattinson (by Richard and Clare Pattinson) Note the alabaster skin, defined abdominal muscles, and the 'David's' - i.e., the 'V' leading to the Holy Land.

Exhibit 1a: 'David' (by Michelangelo) Again, note the alabaster skin (actually this is marble), the defined abs, and well.. Davids' David's.

Exhibit 2: Robert Pattinson (by Richard and Clare Pattinson) Note the angle of his body in this photo, the sheen of his skin, the abs, the David's.  Gaze longingly at his torso... imagining how it would feel under your.. umm, never mind.

Exhibit 2a: 'Discophoros' (1-2 AD copy of an early 4th century BC orib. by Naukydes) Again, note the body angle, the profile (though Disco wishes he had Rob's nose!) and the position of his arm.  

Exhibit 3: Robert Pattinson (by Richard and Clare Pattinson) Coming back to this picture, please again note the lush expanse of skin, the pectorals, the definition and shadowing on his arms.  I'd also like to draw your attention to the absence of his hands.

Exhibit 3a: 'Apollo' (by God only knows who) This one is uncanny! Compare the arms, the pectorals, the neck, the David's, the facial expression, and the absence of hands! Coincidence? I think not!

Exhibit 4: Robert Pattinson (by Richard and Clare Pattinson) By now, you have noted how fantastically well made he is. If you can draw your eyes away from his obliques long enough to note the angle of his head and torso, please proceed to Exhibit 4a.

Exhibit 4a: 'Apoxiomenos' (artist unknown) found by divers in 1999 near Mali Losinj in Croatia. Beautiful yes? After you've compared the similarities of the head and torso (hopefully they end there) there's really nothing much left to say.

Except this: Dear Rob, Even though I could care less if you're sporting rock hard abs, I'm very pleased you don't look like this.....

That's it! Wake Up!

Love,

Tess

GIVE ME A ---> 'T'

Dear Rob,

Okay, I called your hotel in Cannes and left a message with the concierge, who was really unhelpful by the way, and I'm guessing from this photo, you either never got it... or were a bit confused... Anyway, the message said:

“Make a 'T' with your body if you ♥ me.”

Not an 'A' or and upside down 'V', a 'T'!!

Like this! You put your legs together and your arms out.

Or like this.

If you need me to come show you how, just give me a sign, and I'm there!

That's it for now,

Love,

Tess

What's My Line: Cannes - The Untold story

'Just say the word and I'll chuck her in the ocean..'

Tess Accidently Runs into Rob: Scenario Three:

 Our heroine serendipitously finds herself in Cannes the same week as her hearts desire due to winning big in a Lucky Draw (it's a Singapore thing).  Determined not let the opportunity pass her by, she grabs her boom box and heads out the door.  This time, she has a plan!

Fast forward to pier side sometime during the early evening of May 20th.  She's is looking absolutely fetching standing next to her boom box, waiting patiently for her man to arrive.  What she didn't expect, was that Rob would have company!

'SHIT! Who in the hell is that big burly dude (BBD)?  I could've taken him on my own!' she mumbles to herself, cueing the music before she looses her nerve.

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Rob: eyes widen 'What is she doing here!'

BBD: 'Is she a problem?'

Rob: 'No.  I've got this'

Tess: begins to sing '♫♪Guess this means you're sorry, You're standing at my door♪♫'

Rob: Stands there looking mystified and slightly queasy

Tess: '♫♪Guess This Means You Take Back, All You Said Before♪♫'

Rob: 'I've barely said two words to you!'

Tess: '♫♪Like How Much You Wanted, Anyone But Me♪♫'

Rob: 'Can you blame me?.'

Tess: '♫♪Said You'd Never Come Back, But Here You Are Again♪♫'

Rob: looks around 'Will you sushhh!'

Tess: begins to dance '♫♪'Cause We Belong Together Now, YEAH. Forever United Here Somehow, YEAH♪♫'

Rob: 'Unbelievable!!'

BBD: bobbing his head and tapping his foot to the music

Tess: crescendos '♫♪YOU GOT APIECE OF ME, AND HONESTLY, MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU!!♪♫'

Rob: laughing hysterically 'Good God!'

Stephanie: Appears like Zena, The Warrior Princess in a profusion of purple 'GET HIM AWAY FROM HER!!' 

BBD: Throws Rob over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and makes a run for the idling boat'

Tess: 'But wait!!! there's more! IF I COULD ARRANGE THE ALPHABET, I'D PUT U AND I TOGETHER!!'

 Rob: Steps into the boat, and as it pulls away, looks back with a peculiar look on his face.

Tess: snickers 'Yeah baby... resistance is futile'

Could it be that Rob is becoming addicted to our heroine? Will our Heroine find herself on the Interpol watch list?

Stay tuned!

Kelly Clarkson's - My Life Would Suck Without You

Love,

Tess

The Man is Majestic

I've always been uncomfortable being the center of attention.

I don't like opening gifts in front of people, crossing the street at red lights, singing solo, walking into something late, and I most certainly wouldn't like being the focal point of 100+ photographers!  

Talk about awkward!  This picture kills me!

What are you supposed to do?  Do you just stand there? or do you have to be entertaining.  Are they going to think you're a dick if you don't look at every single person who calls your name? And what do you do with your hands? 

Is there an 'Idiots Guide' to Photocalls at Cannes?

Knowing me, I would've gotten all flustered, nervous, and giddy. Which means I would have ended up either hyperventilating or flashing someone.

Better to leave these things to the professionals.  I feel Rob proved himself to be a consummate professional on the Majestic Pier yesterday.  Well done my dear. But then, I didn't expect anything less.

That's it for now,

Love,

Tess 

Did I say that out loud?

-WARNING-

 

The following unedited excerpts are NOT dramatizations and could cause you to experience some discomfort while reading. Please discontinue reading If you have high blood pressure, heart trouble, a nervous condition, are under the influence of alcohol or recreational drugs.  

Looking at the following photo's may cause you to ramble incoherent & random things out loud. In reading this disclaimer you are understood to absolve the 'blogger' of any current and future claims of mental and/or physical anguish.  

Thank You and enjoy the *cough* ride.

'Please kiss me. Now... later... this life... next... I don't care... Just kiss me'

'Jesus Christ! You're beautiful ~ this picture, this expression, It reminds me of something. what? *still trying to figure it out*'

'Shearling. I really wanna be some shearling'

'Sweetness. *sighs* He needs me. Hair. I see chest hair'

'LOOK at those hands! Wow, his palms are really wide! I'd feel safe in those hands...hmmm' 

*sighs, throws head back & groans*

'MINE! MineMineMineMine!! Don't be silly, he's not yours!'

*Laughs* 'Mad man. You look MAD here and I love you! Oh Jesus! I can't believe I just said that!'

'You're killing me... I'm slowly dying...Grrrr.. I really wanna smell you!' *exhales*

'You are so beautiful to me. Inside and out' 

*spends the next 2 minutes tracing the outline of his face*

'How long are you going to stare at this picture hmm? Why the hell am I talking to myself? I don't know! Oh shit! I just answered back...'

'I don't care what anyone says. You're eyes are green dammit! And beautiful. Did I mention that your eyes are beautiful? *giggle snorts* Get a grip Tess!'

'Here's my heart. Go ahead, just fricken take it! It's useless to anyone else'

Maybe you'd like to join me a rousing chorus of: "If you're crazy and you know it clap your hands" Yes? No? Anyone?

That's it for now.

Love,

Tess

What's My Line: Part Deux

And so the fantasy saga continues..................

Tess Accidently runs into Rob: Scenario Two:

 Our heroine finds herself at an industry function, (the hows and whys are unimportant) fending off the advances of typical industry types, when she spots her hearts desire across the crowded room.  

'SHIT HOWDY!' she says to herself...(or maybe not judging from the startled gazes of the people around her) “Lightening can strike twice!”  Scooping some mint out her Mojito to freshen her breath, she sashays over to rekindle the connection.

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Tess: 'POOF!  I'm here.  What are you other three wishes?'

 Rob: 'Sorry, do we... know each other? extends hand to shake  I'm Rob'

Tess: 'Is your last name Gillete? 'cause you're the best a woman can get'

 Rob: chortles 'Excuse me? Am I being punked?'  looks around for Ashton

Tess: 'I hope there's a fireman around... 'cause you are smokin'!'

 Rob: eyes widen 'YOU! I've seen you before!!'

 Tess: 'Maybe in your dreams?' bats eyelashes

Rob: 'You're ToiletPaperManLiquidGirl!!!'  turns and runs off as fast as his shiteous Nikes can carry him.

Tess: 'Wait! Pleassss...'

 Rob: Melts into the crowd... saved, yet again, by Brook Shields

Tess: Bellows 'ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I CAME HOME WITH YOU??'

Is this the last our heroine has seen of her hearts desire? Will Rob seek a restraining order or is he secretly intrigued?

Stay tuned!

Love,

Tess

What's My Line?

Ever wonder what you'd say if you accidently ran into Rob?  Well, wonder no more. Let iPickup Lines do the talking for you.

Tess accidently runs into Rob - Scenario One:

Realizing she's out of toilet paper, our heroine quickly donned her: t-shirt, sweats, Hello Kitty flip flops, and made her way to the nearest Ralphs.  Economy pack of toilet 'tissue' in hand, she cuts through the laundry and detergent aisle, only to be stopped dead.in.her.tracks. For who should she see? No other than the man himself!  

With the help of iPickup Lines, the conversation might go something like this:

Rob: Smiles and nods 'Hi'

Tess: 'I know I'm not a grocery item, but I can tell when you're checking me out'

Rob: 'I'm sorry, what??'

Tess: 'Let's make like fabric softener and snuggle'

Rob: 'Wow.. um haha, yeah' 

Tess: 'Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?'

Rob:  'BAHAHAHA' looks around for assistance but then squints to read my shirt

 

'Whatdoesthatsay? Give-me-your-man-liquid-and-nobody-gets-hurt!?!'  

slowly backs away

Tess: 'Wait!'

Rob: Turns and sprints like a billy goat down the aisle

Tess: 'Don't go....'

Rob: Disappears from view

Tess: In a last ditch effort, shouts! 

'IF YOU WERE A BOOGER, I'D PICK YOU FIIIRST!'

Was it love at first sight?  Stay tuned!

Love,

Tess

Happy Birthday Mr. Pattinson

Exactly twenty-three years ago, on May 13th, Robert Pattinson was born.  In honor of this occasion, I have compiled a list of twenty-three wishes to carry Rob through the coming year.

*Note: Reading, and ending, each of these wishes in the words 'with me' is recommended, but not obligatory.

1. May you always find yourself in good company.

2. May you one day somehow own your very own In-N-Out location.

3. May you always inspire loyalty.

4. May you never be without something to read.

5. May you always be able to find the good in something, no matter how dire it might seem.

6. May you never lose your: passport, keys, phone, luggage, wallet, or car.

7. May you always be one step ahead of rabid fans & the paparazzi.

8. May you never experience a single day of regret.

9.  May you always be safe.

10. May you never lose your sense of humor.

11. May you always be pleasantly surprised.

12. May you never find yourself in a bad situation.

13. May you always have this blackish/grayish striped shirt (because I love it).

14. May you never feel lost.

15. May you continue to be inspired.

16. May you never lose your sense of self.

17. May you, more often than not, feel a deep sense of satisfaction.

18. May you never be taken advantage of.

19. May you find happiness.

20. May you always be able to live the life you choose.

21. May you never lose your sense of wonder.

22. May you always be in good health.

23. May you love and be loved in return.

♥ Happy Birthday Robert ♥

I'm wishing you the happiest of days surrounded by good friends, good cheer, and a steak just the way you like it.

All My Love,

Tess