Driving Miss Tess

My drivers license expired in 2004.

In 2004, I was living in Japan. Have you ever tried calling the DMV? Once you stop itching, Imagine doing that from a different time zone thousands of miles away. Yeah… I'd rather drive to Vegas on a holiday weekend with someone who suffers from bladder inconsistence.

In 2004, online renewal wasn't an option. I figured I'd just renew it the next time I was in the States. But the last time I was in the US was 2006, and I didn't go to California. Since 2004, the DMV has modernized. Online renewal is now available, but not for me. My license has been expired for more than one year AND my mailing address has changed. Just shoot me now. I tried calling my embassy but they couldn't help me either. Apparently, they're only good for federal issues, international incidents, and passport renewal... whatever.

You're probably wondering how I've been getting around since then? By Cab.

As some of you know I live in Singapore, where owning a car is incredibly expensive, so I don't own one. Believe it or not, taking a cab is cheaper, so for the past 7 years, I've been coddled like Miss Daisy. I've become so used to the convenience of door-to-door service, I'm not even sure I remember how to drive… let alone park. Not having a valid drivers license hasn’t been an issue traveling outside of Singapore either, because I’ve always traveled with someone who did or because local transportation in those locations was cheap and plentiful - tuk tuk anyone?.

One morning I woke up and thought; how could I have let this happen? What happened to my independence? What if I want to go somewhere alone? What if there's an emergency? What if I need to pick up Robert Pattinson from the airport?

Dramatic exits are greatly impacted as well. Have you ever tried storming out of the house in huff and then sheepishly ask for lift? “I’m leaving!” I’d announce, “But don’t look out the window for the next 3o minutes because I’m going on foot”

Do you see why I need to get this sorted?

I’m flying out tomorrow evening. I’ll make a quick stop in New York, and continue up to Rhode Island. Why Rhode Island you say? This is where my BFF lives. She won’t mind chauffeuring me around, that... and I meet the states minimum vision requirements.

Wish me luck, and if you’re anywhere on I-95, *wave*

With Love and 3 point turns,

Tess

Something Beautiful: Cristina Zenato is Hypnotizing

I might or might not have been responsible for the last 8,000 views of this video.

Truly Mesmerizing.

Enjoy.

Love,

Tess

Cristina Zenato shows us how to hypnotize a shark

Half Baked

If I had to compare myself to a baked good, I guess you could say I’m like a baguette. I’m not only referring to the visual aspects (though I do have a few pointy bits here and there) I’m talking about the baguette as a whole.

Let’s break bread it down, shall we?

A baguette is bread, but it’s not a loaf. It’s not typically what you’d reach for when making a sandwich, and it’s not a cracker. But, you could use it as either if push came to shove.

The down side of a baguette is that left alone for long periods of time they become hard and impenetrable. On the up side, a stale baguette makes a great weapon.

At first glance, a fresh baguette has a firm outer crust, with a little give. Slice it open and you’ll find a softer texture that’s often riddled with air holes caused by the interaction of the ingredients. In my opinion, the air holes are the best part of a baguette. I love that what is seen, as a mistake in other breads, in a baguette, it's an indication that you prepared the recipe correctly.

I prefer to view my own idiosyncrasies as ‘charming texture’ gained through life experience, than an excess of yeast. Wouldn’t you?

Allow me to share…

The Baguette List

1. If the skin on my hands is dry, I can’t breathe.

2. When in a booth, I can’t sit with my left arm exposed to the aisle. Oddly enough, this isn’t an issue when I sit in a chair.

3. I also need to sit facing the entrance or center of a room. Sorry gentlemen, I got there first!

4. Whenever I’m making myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I involuntarily take a bite the moment the two slices of bread are joined together. Before I realised what was happening, I thought there was a poltergeist in my house. I had just finished making the sandwich, looked down; and noted a bite taken out of it! I experienced 15 seconds of pure terror until I tasted the peanut butter on the roof of my mouth.

5. Even if I love you, the sound of your coughing annoys the motherfuckinghell out of me.

6. My left eye is amblyopic and doesn’t receive signals from my brain when my right eye is open. As a result: 3D movies are a waste, you can sneak up on me from the left, and it’s illegal for me to drive in a few States.

7. I straighten the shelves in books shops. Yep, if anything is out of place, I’ll spend however long it takes sorting that shit out.

8. I straighten things out in every shop. I can’t help myself. Invite me over.

9. Birds as pets? Hate it.

I would usually end a list on an even number, but I just noted the time on my laptop, and it adds up to an auspicious number, so I’ll stop here.

To be continued…

With Love and Neurosis,

Tess