Exsqueeze Me?

Dear Rob,

I know what you are. I can't believe I didn't see it before! You're a Shirt-Squeezer, Coat-Crusher, Jacket-Jeopardiser (eh?). You cannot be trusted with outer garments! (inner garments? yeah. but that's another post)

What's going on here babe? Are you trying to shut it up, or make it talk?

And what's wrong with this one? Not warm enough? Too blue? Too nylonY?

Look at the way you're reaming this poor thing out. I can't watch.

This one really breaks my heart. Tossed aside while you're wearing it's replacement. That's cold man.

New jacket Rob? what happened to the other one? run away?.. or worse.

Now this picture makes sense.

Put the jacket down Pattinson, and get your hands up where I can see them.

It needs to stop. You can't keep doing this to things that keep you warm! I understand you've been under a lot of stress, so I've found something else you can take your frustrations out on; Meet Mr. Smiley ↴

He's soft, cheerful, squeezable, and will always retain his shape. What more could you ask for?

*Sigh* I know, I know ─ you'd rather squeeze me, but I wouldn't fit in your pocket.

That's it's for now.

♥ Love ♥

Tess

Ch. 2: A Girls Guide to the First Date

Congratulations! All that stalking and praying hard work has finally paid off, and Robert Pattinson has asked you out.

Now what are you going to do?

Many of you have asked me this very same question (I exaggerate), so I thought I'd compile a list (because I can't help myself) to help you navigate through any 'first date' awkwardness. You can thank me later.

A Girls Guide to the First Date

1) Now is not the time to whip out that soggy, dog-eared picture of your ideal wedding gown.

2) Avoid responding to everything Rob says with: “OMG! Me too!”

3) Leave the Duct tape at home.

4) Know the difference between good conversation and too much information (TMI).

5) Still not sure? TMI would be: a) telling him you wore adult diapers on the drive over, because you didn't want to be late for your date b) that one time in college, and c) you can't eat cauliflower because it gives you gas.

6) Don't act like a 'Bunny Boiler'. In fact, avoid all references to the movie Fatal Attraction.

7) Try not to jump up and down screaming; “OMG! OMG! OMG!” when you first see one another ☛ unless you're a D cup, then by all means, bounce away.

8) Resist the urge to sniff him.

9) Which reminds me─Don't sniff your food before you eat it either. No one's trying to poison you, and it just looks strange.

10) Repeat after me: “Insanity.does.not.run.in.your.family”.

11) Avoid all conversation about your dead cat, your wacky relatives, or what a bastard your ex boyfriend was. Retain an air of mystery... i.e., save it for the next date.

12) Under no circumstances are you to share the names you've chosen for your future unborn children.

13) If Rob leaves something on his plate, refrain from picking up your fork and asking: “Are you gonna eat that?”

14) No one needs to hear why you think you're 'God's Warrior Princess'. Trust me on this one.

15) Don't shave your legs. Where do you go from there??

16) If for some reason, you ignored #15, don't drink too much. It would be a shame not to remember that.

I should stop now. It's getting late, and you better get ready. Have fun, but don't do anything I wouldn't do. If you do, make sure you name it after me *wink*

That's it for now.

Love,

Tess

So, what are you wearing tomorrow?

Dear Rob,

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted, but I've been busy trying to catch up after a long holiday. That, and I really didn't feel like getting sucked into the whole are they or aren't they drama that's surrounding you and Kristen Stewart at the moment. The entire subject has gotten beyond obsessive. What with all the minutely analyzed photo's of; Shirts, hats, hotels, backpacks, and bracelets! Oh, my!

What do people think you are? Garanimals? Oh, and for the record, I'm laughing hard imagining Kstew going along with the whole “matching outfit” scenario.

I don't think I've seen anything this polarizing since Hillary Clinton. It's as though lines have been drawn in the sand, with both sides so sure they're right and willing [to dedicate huge amounts of time] to prove their point.

To be honest, It's just too f*cking bizarre for me.

So, I've decided that since you've never commented on my relationship, I'm not going to comment on yours.

What's that you're saying???

“You don't know me, the person I'm with, AND it's none of your business?”

Yeah, that's my whole point.

Ps: Feel free to call me if you ever want to talk about our relationship ;)

That's it for now.

XOXOXOXOTess