Yogurt... Bringing Sexy Back

Singapore is an odd little island.

Pornography is illegal, yet prostitution is tolerated as long as it's done within registered brothels and not publicly solicited on the street. Most young women wear skirts barely skimming their a**es, BUT statistically, Singaporeans are consistently in the bottom 3 for sexual activity.

Not only are Singaporeans having sex less often, but the population is aging. The situation has become so dire, the government now offers married couples a monetary incentive (called the Baby Bonus) to have more children.

This is why I *giggle* when I see local product advertisements like the ones below.

Seems a shame that someone went to all that trouble laying thousands of tiny tiles and no one's getting get's it.

Craving yogurt,

Tess

Justin Timberlake - Sexy Back -

Driving Miss Tess

My drivers license expired in 2004.

In 2004, I was living in Japan. Have you ever tried calling the DMV? Once you stop itching, Imagine doing that from a different time zone thousands of miles away. Yeah… I'd rather drive to Vegas on a holiday weekend with someone who suffers from bladder inconsistence.

In 2004, online renewal wasn't an option. I figured I'd just renew it the next time I was in the States. But the last time I was in the US was 2006, and I didn't go to California. Since 2004, the DMV has modernized. Online renewal is now available, but not for me. My license has been expired for more than one year AND my mailing address has changed. Just shoot me now. I tried calling my embassy but they couldn't help me either. Apparently, they're only good for federal issues, international incidents, and passport renewal... whatever.

You're probably wondering how I've been getting around since then? By Cab.

As some of you know I live in Singapore, where owning a car is incredibly expensive, so I don't own one. Believe it or not, taking a cab is cheaper, so for the past 7 years, I've been coddled like Miss Daisy. I've become so used to the convenience of door-to-door service, I'm not even sure I remember how to drive… let alone park. Not having a valid drivers license hasn’t been an issue traveling outside of Singapore either, because I’ve always traveled with someone who did or because local transportation in those locations was cheap and plentiful - tuk tuk anyone?.

One morning I woke up and thought; how could I have let this happen? What happened to my independence? What if I want to go somewhere alone? What if there's an emergency? What if I need to pick up Robert Pattinson from the airport?

Dramatic exits are greatly impacted as well. Have you ever tried storming out of the house in huff and then sheepishly ask for lift? “I’m leaving!” I’d announce, “But don’t look out the window for the next 3o minutes because I’m going on foot”

Do you see why I need to get this sorted?

I’m flying out tomorrow evening. I’ll make a quick stop in New York, and continue up to Rhode Island. Why Rhode Island you say? This is where my BFF lives. She won’t mind chauffeuring me around, that... and I meet the states minimum vision requirements.

Wish me luck, and if you’re anywhere on I-95, *wave*

With Love and 3 point turns,

Tess

Something Bizarre: Dr. Dolittle I am not!

Scenario: Tess spots a monkey in The Bukit Timah Nature Reserve for the 1 millionth time.

Tess: "Oh look! A monkey!" *click*

Monkey: "Oh Jesus, not her again"

Tess: "Come on little guy, look at the camera" *click*

Monkey: "I'm just going to ignore the bitch, and maybe she'll go away"

Tess: "Tnks Tnks Tnks! Come on, look up!" *click*

Monkey: "I am not a cat you moron..."

Tess: "Look up! ::snaps fingers:: Look Up!" *click*

Monkey: " *sigh*, FML!"

Tess: "Thank you! ::squeee::" *click*

Monkey: "You're welcome asshole"

Monkey: "Now Fuck off!"

Tess: "EEK!"

You'd think by now, I'd know not to harass the wildlife . . .

Love,

Tess

Sshh! She's Serious...

On my blog, I spend quite a bit of time writing about things I observe, Robert Pattinson, and the past⎼but I don't write about my present. Today, I'm breaking with tradition because this is important to me.

In August, a friend asked if I'd be interested in participating in a half-marathon she organised to benefit women in the Congo. The more she shared, the more emotionally invested I became. But here's the clincher... I am not a runner. I'll do virtually any other type of cardiovascular exercise except running.

I signed up to walk it.

Fast forward to the first day of training.... Have you ever tried to walk 22km? JFC! This is taking forever!

Fast forward again to two days before the race... I now own running shoes and feel confident I will finish before dark.

Please keep me in your thoughts this Saturday, November 20th, as myself and a fabulous group of women walk, jog, run, or stagger our way around McRitchie Reservoir, Singapore.

If you're interested in learning more, please click on the following:

Run for Congo Women

Women for Women International

That's it for now.

Love,

Tess

Show Them and They Will Come?

I've been living in SE Asia since 2002, and I can count on ONE hand the number of close friends and or relatives who have come to visit me. ONE hand people!

Even if you didn't have a passport when I first arrived, you've had 8.5 years to get your shit together and come see me! It's free room a board, I'm entertaining as hell, and Bali is just a two hour flight away! What's taking you so long?

Words are not enough?

Need some visual stimulation?

Here's a little taste of what you've missed over the past few weeks (please excuse the quality, some were taken with my phone).

This is a funeral vehicle hired by the family of the deceased as part of the wake. The men usually sing and walk along the outside of the vehicle during the procession. This is an old tradition, which is fading away. I'm happy to have had my camera with me this day.

Hungry? How about a little Buddha-Soup for the soul?

Too hot for soup you say?

How about some chicken?

Half or whole? Which half?

Or maybe you're not that hungry... maybe you'd prefer a snack!

Did I mention it was the monsoon season?

Singapore isn't just for fish flavoured Pringle lovers... You can buy anything you like in here.

For every bizarre thing you come across, there's something beautiful. The cloud formations take will take your breath away... every.single.day

This is an advertising campaign inside a theatre lobby. Heinous grammar is rampant in Singapore, but it's sort of charming.

Another fine example of local advertising. Should you really include the word Baby and caricatures of condoms together? Cannot lah.

I can guarantee you'll see some things you've never seen before. Take this tree for example. Look closely, It's completely covered in a web.

Here's the little bugger responsible.

We get the occasional dragon fly. This is actual size by the way.

Monkeys are also quite common, especially if there are fruit trees in your neighborhood. I took this picture during a run a few weeks ago.

I especially love the way the cab drivers take the time to decorate their dashes. There was a lot going in here, what with the dolphin, auspicious coins, and fish bowl... but it was the prawn that really struck me; it jiggled and vibrated with the motion of vehicle; like it was going to scuttle off at any moment.

Just another cab decoration. I call this: Crouching Air-Freshener, Hidden Camel

There are some lovely places to go during the evening in Singapore.

If you don't believe me, come see for yourself...

I'll leave the light on for you,

Tess

The Bizarre: On Bugis Street

It had been a while since I visited Bugis Street⎼so I rang up a friend to see if she was interested, she was, and off we went.

Kai Tais of Bugis early 60's

The area of Singapore, known as Bugis, has a rich and colourful history. It has long been associated with trading and frequented by sailors⎼at one time, even pirates! But it was during the 1950's through the early 80's, that Bugis Street became internationally notorious for it's nightly congregation of outrageous & lovely Transwomen. Once word got out, the area fast became a place for sojourning sailors and tourists, who came to partake; gawk, or perhaps even looking for love.

A poster from the Movie

This brief, flamboyant time in Singapore's history came to end in the mid 80's, when the entire area underwent an urban re-development and the subsequent construction of the Bugis Metro Station. Despite a recent attempt by the Singaporean Tourism Board to recapture it's seedy glamour, the entire area still feels a bit faded. But perhaps owing to it's colourful past, locals still come for the cheap goods, and tourists still flock; trying to envision a time when their fathers or grandfathers came to separate the men from the women, who were really men.

How I wish I could've seen it back in the day. For more information, start here

Here are a few photo's of my sanitized Bugis experience.

When reconstituted just wont do.

Well, if he likes 'em... I'm definitely buying some!

I bought one purely based on Trade Mark. I mean, who wouldn't?

Of course I wasn't touching it; I just hovered. The Auntie would've kicked my ass!

Neighhh! PPbrr!

Apparently they do lashes as well (for your eyes, not with a riding crop)

*Click*

Salesman: "Hey! No Pictures, No Pictures!"

Tess: "Is that something Jesus would say?!?"

Salesman: "I don't care! *makes shoo-ing motion* NO PICTURES!"

Tess: "Wow, what BIG eyes you have!"

Dolls: "All the better to watch you with my dear"

Tess: "Waaahhhhh... Make them stop!!"

Inner monologue:

"I really like this shirt"

"Should I buy it?"

"Do I need it?"

"Would I wear it?"

"Nah"

(walks away and wakes of the next morning full of regret)

Adjacent to Bugis Village, stands Fu Lu Shou Complex.

Where you can:

✓ Say a quick prayer

✓ Stock up on your Buddhist or Daoist paraphernalia

✓ Have your aura photographed (which of course, I did)

✓ Buy a large amethyst geode, a lucky amulet, or a camera!

It's one-stop shopping!

That's not a monk! That's Winston Churchill!

Taking the inconvenience out of death.

I could add more, but I'm going to take pity on you, (and me, because this is taking waaaay too long) and wrap it up by saying....

Come see me! You know you want too!

I always have beer and salty snacks.

I'll take you to the nicest places.

You will laugh.

I do my hair very nice.

um.... I can't think of anything else, just hurry!

That's it for now.

Love,

Tess

S'pore: The Little Booger I Pick to Call Home

Singapore: It's under the red dot... I'm not kidding

Chances are, if you weren't living in Southeast Asia in 2004, you probably missed the gaff from Taiwanese then Foreign Minister, Chen Tan-sun, referring to Singapore as a booger. As someone who was living on the island during this time, I can attest to how deeply offended it's citizens were. In the eyes of Singaporeans, the country had lost "face", and losing "face" is something carefully avoided in an Asian society.

While it's true that Singapore is the smallest nation in Southeast Asia, [extending 41.8 km (26 mi) in length and 22.5 km (14 mi) in width], it has come a long way since seceding from Malaysia on August 9th, 1965–when many of its population were still living in kampongs [villages], to being the slick, regional financial power house and world port it is recognized as today. This is quite an accomplishment in 44 years.

I wasn't born in Singapore, but it's home for now–so please excuse me over the next few weeks, while I share a few things I like best about my adopted island. I can't promise I won't go off on a tangent and talk about what really pisses me off about the country, but after living here for almost six years, I'm allowed.

That's it for now.

Love,

Tess