Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Auld Lang Syne


Hello and Happy New Year.


It's been ages since my last post. I wish I could say It's because: I'm still on holiday, been love-napped by Robert Pattinson, or I'm doing something incredibly important—but I can't. I've just been busy contemplating my 2009—and given my erratic thought patterns... this took some time.


They say you learn something everyday, and while I won't subject you to 365 of my mental meanderings, here are a few *coughs* thoughts which stood out for me during the past year.



1. Liver—Yuk. How can something that smells so good taste so nasty?


2. Don't water yourself down for anyone. Be authentic.


3. There's a difference between going with the flow and being swept away.


4. I can't eat leeks—who knew.


5. Sometimes the truth is something that's not exactly a lie.


6. No matter what you Google, there's porn.


7. Why compare yourself to others? Everyone is needed.


8. Check logic at the door and trust your instincts.


9. I feel awkward typing acronyms like: LOL, LMAO, etc... so I avoid them when possible.


10. Thought without action is invalid.


11. The flushing sound of a toilet on an airplane scares the fuck out of me—every single time.


12. I will inevitably have to pee between 5-10 times during an international flight— causing fellow passengers to wonder and scaring myself senseless at the same time.


13. There is no such thing as a coincidence.


14. Certain words make me smile (but that's another post)


15. I don't cry prettily.


16. You can't walk a cat.


17. Humility cannot be claimed.


18. I love mandalas.


19. Life is short—eat dessert first.


20. Once and a while, people who come to mean a lot to you—come unexpectedly.


21. I consciously cuss on a daily basis.


22. Be PRESENT. If you spend too much time thinking about the past or wondering about the future you'll miss it.


23. Periodically ask yourself: 'Is this the way I want to spend the rest of my life?' If the answer is 'No'—do something about it.


24. I aplogise too much, and I'm really sorry about that.


25. Some people are just unreasonable.


26. Sometimes I'm unreasonable.


27. No. I don't want to have make up sex. I'm annoyed. Do you really want me that close to your penis?


28. Not everyone is going to like you.


29. No one can make you angry—it's something you choose to be.


30. Never try to out drink a Sikh.


31. I feel that true inner strength lies in how much you can withstand, not dish out.


32. I cannot be productive and think about Robert Pattinson at the same time.


33. It's wonderful if you make someone happy, but if you're not happy—what's the point?


34. I strive to be good, because I don't think they let you read in hell.


35. Your words and thoughts have power.


36. If you think about saying or doing anything 3X during a short period of time, you should probably say it or do it.


37. I'll admit it: Seeing comments on my blog makes me really happy.


38. I need to be fluent in a second language.


39. Say what you feel. Someone could be waiting to hear it.


40. Live honestly.


41. "Do you wanna touch my Tree of Life", and other such comments, is not going to get you laid—not by me anyway.


42. Don't let: shyness, indecision, and fear stop you from living the life you want.


43. You cannot receive what you're not prepared to give.


44. Cats don't meow at other cats—they only meow at people. Pay attention... it's true.


45. In my next life, I want to come back as a really hot Indian woman.


46. If there's somewhere you've always wanted to visit and no one will go with you... go anyway.


47. I'm happiest when I'm being creative.


48. Try this: Experience a food, a place, a thing, or someone you love with all 5 of your senses—just try it.



Alright... for those of you still with me, 48 seems like a good number to stop. 4+8= 12 and 12 is good number. I'd tell you why, but then you might not read my blog again.


PS: If you have any realisations from 2009 you'd like to share, I'd love to hear them!


That's it for now.


Love,

Tess


Friday, December 4, 2009

4 Hearts Beat as One...

Dear Rob,


I don't think we can ignore the writing on the wall. It's right there in front of our faces (literally),in black and white we belong together.



It's the look of ...
Four 's are better than one...
I wear my on my face...
I only have 's for you...


Or as Sir John Vanbrugh once said: "Once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her " ~ So what d'ya say we merge and make various shades of gray?

Call me ;)


PS: If you hurry we can still send out Christmas cards.


With all my ,

Tess


Monday, November 30, 2009

Let Me Tell You a Bedtime Story

Dear Rob,


I have a question I've been burning to ask you; what is it with men and sex? You guys can sleep without it—right?


I have looked at this picture at least half a dozen times and trust me... I am not even slightly sleepy. If anything, it makes me feel down right perky. Perhaps you're reading the wrong types of books, and would be open to a few recommendations.


May I suggest the following by Lauren Child?


I figured we could read it together. You wear the bottoms; I'll wear the top; I'll make you pink milk, and then we'll have good cuddle.



That's it for now.


I'll leave the light on for yu,

Tess


Monday, November 16, 2009

Dear God, It's Me Tess. What The Hell?

Dear God,

When I prayed that Rob and I would be really really close one day...I didn't mean RELATED!

I know you don't have a sense of humor...but if this is your idea of a joke—I am not laughing *whispers* You're not still pissed off I didn't join the convent...are you?


Center: My Father


I'm feeling a bit sick right now. I think I need to go lie down.

Somebody find me Mrs. Pattinson's phone number... I think I she forgot to include me on the extended family guest list.


That's it for now,

Love
Tess

Monday, November 2, 2009

Time Flies When You're Having Fun!

Seriously.

The one year anniversary of my blog came and went and I didn't even notice. I published my first post on October 22, 2008. Given that I just ramble most of the time, I'm not even sure if I can call this a blog―a blog is supposed to be about something... right?


As far as I can tell my blog has ADHD. But even this statement contradicts itself, because if that were true, I'd post more often. And since I've only posted 44 times in the past 54 weeks―I can't use that excuse. Hey wait! 44! That's a good number! 4+4 = 8 and 8 is my lucky number! if you take an 8 and turn it on it's side it's a symbol for.... Oh Jesus, there I go again...What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, my blog―and how infrequently I post.


You know, I'd probably post more often if it weren't for the Tesses (pushy bitches) always trying to add their two cents in. You have no idea what I go through. You think I'm kidding? I'm not. Do I dare tell you how many half finished textual meanderings I have stashed away?


I start writing...

It's flowing...

I like it...

Hell, I might even love it...

'Yeah, I think to myself, this shit is fucking funny!'

'Dude!, I continue, This might be the best thing you've ever written!'

'Whoa! It's getting late. I'm better go to bed'


File... Save as... blah blah blah... With a self-satisfied smile, I go to sleep feeling really good about myself.


I wake up the next morning.

I re-read it.

I hate it

WTF.


I'm seriously beginning to wonder about myself―maybe I am suffering from a multiple personality disorder... or ADHD. No, wait! maybe I have ADHD and OCD, or maybe I have issues with commitment―or a short attention span... OR MAYBE I'M JUST FUCKING BORING!!!


stops to think...


Nah... I banished 'Boring Tess'.


Anywho...


HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME


That's it for now.


Lot's of and thank you for reading,

Tess

Friday, October 23, 2009

Part 1: Speak Singlish? Caaan Lah!

There are so many things I enjoy about living in Singapore, I don't know where to begin, so I thought I'd share one of the first things I noticed about my new home⎯Singlish.


What is Singlish you ask?


Singlish is a blend of English, Malay, Tamil, and various Chinese dialects. Even though English is widely spoken and understood on the island, many Singaporeans still sprinkle their everyday English with this unique, sometimes ridiculed, but always entertaining slang.


Authorities in Singapore initiated a Speak Good English campaign (is this even grammatically correct) in an attempt to stem it's use, but many of the population feel that Singlish is a natural progression of a language that blends so many different cultures together. Considering Singapore's population is composed of: Chinese, Malay, Indian, Eurasian, and other nationalities, this makes perfect sense, yes? Not always.



A few common examples. For more, read HERE.


Aiyoh An exclamation used to denote exasperation or irritation.

Usage:“Aiyoh! Look at this idiot!”

Translation: Ugh! What an idiot!


Alamak (the 'k' is silent) A Malay expression of dismay, surprise, or alarm; rumored to be derived from the Arabic “Allah Ma'ak” meaning, “God be with you” or “Allah maaf kar” meaning “God forgive you”. It is usually used in situations to express your utter disbelief that anything so horrible or idiotic could happen.

Usage:“Alamak! Why you go and do this sort of stupid thing?”

Translation: Oh my god! Why would you do something so stupid?


Blur Used to describe someone who is deficient, lacking, ditzy, or in a world of their own. Can also be used to describe the feeling of being dazed or 'out of it'. See also: “blur like sotong”

Usage:“Such a simple thing also cannot do. Why you so blur?”

Translation: You can't do something as basic as this either? Why are you so incompetent?


Blur like sotong One of Singapore's most popular similes, 'Sotong' is the Malay word for squid, and is used to reference the cloudy ink that a squid squirts, i.e., cloudy=blurry.

Usage:“Aiyoh! That ger, hor, blur like sotong. Explain to her donno how many times, she still catch no ball”

Translation: Ugh! That girl is so dense. No matter how many times I explain something to her, she still doesn't get it.


Can [1] Monosyllabic answer denoting one's ability to perform a requested task, i.e., yes, sure, of course [2] An adjective used to praise one for their abilities.

Usage [1]:

Tess:“May I try this on?”

Salesperson: “Can lah!”

Translation: Sure!

Usage [2]:“Of course he'll manage. He very can one!”

Translation: Of course he'll manage. He's very capable.


Can or not? Asking if something is possible or permissible.

Usage:“Wednesday after you've taken your lunch, come to my place and service aircon's. Can or not?”

Translation: Is it be possible for you come to my house this Wednesday, sometime after noon, and clean my air-conditioner's?


Lah This is the quintessential word in Singlish. It is used as a full stop at the end of a sentence. Contrary to popular belief, there are rules regarding it's usage, and the ability to do so correctly, marks a true Singaporean. Different tonal inflections placed on the word will also affect the emotion of the sentence. *Note: “lah” is never used in conjunction with a question.

Usage [1]: “Donno, lah”

Translation: Oh, I don't know.

Usage [2]: “I can repair, but motor old oready. No stock lah”

Translation: “I can repair it, but this motor has already been discontinued. I suggest you buy a new one.



As you can see, Singlish can take some getting used to. I only realized last week, that if someone greets me by saying;“Have you taken your breakfast already?”, they could literally be asking me “if I've already had breakfast”, or they might just be saying saying “Good morning”.


Alamak! I live in Singapore five years over oready, and still cannot make it. How can?

Translation: "God! You'd think after living in Singapore for over five years, I'd know better. How is this possible?"


Chao Liao!


Love,

Tess