Conversations with God ~ Part I

During my recent trip to Italy, I couldn't help but visit a few churches (as you do).  It was during one of these visits that I found myself falling to my knees in prayer and having multiple conversations with God.  This is a transcript of our first conversation.

Me: "God?  It's me, Tess".

(waited for reply, got nothing... so, I continued)

"Remember how Joan of Arc began hearing voices and receiving messages from Angels at the age of 12?  Well, I guess I'm a late bloomer, because lately, I appear to be hearing the voices of Angels singing every time I see the face of this one certain man by the name of Robert Thomas Pattinson.  So, I thought I'd pop in here and say a little prayer to beg ask if you could arrange for me to have just one chance meeting with Rob.

God: "Chance meeting?" Would you care to rephrase that?"

Me: *to self* (yes, I can carry on more than one silent conversation with myself at the same time)  "Fuhhck! I completely forgot about him being all knowing and crap"

God: "I heard that"

Me: "Shit! I mean.. sorry.  OK, OK, Not just one chance meeting, (mumbling) but one errm.. frenziednightofpassion with Rob".

God: "Oh, for the love of ME Woman!  Take a number.  If I have to hear this prayer from one more prepubescent, hormonal, menopausal, AND the occasional MALE human being.. I'm going to go Sodam and Gamorrah on someone's ass!  I mean seriously, have an original thought!   And... aren't you married?"

Me: "Yes, I am.  But I was wondering about that... I mean, we weren't married in the church, so maybe it doesn't even count, and..."

God:  "Doesn't count!  Are you MAD?"

Me:  "But the wedding was outside and in Canada... I mean, come on!  I'm not even Canadian and neither is he! Is that even legal?  And besides (mumbling again), he said I could haveafreepass."

God:  "Whaaat! A free Pass?  WTF is that!  Doesn't anyone believe in the sanctity of marriage anymore?  Does he get a free pass?"

Me:  "Uh, Yeah.  Angelina Jolie"

God: (burst out laughing) "Angelina Jolie! (buwahahhaa) Angelina!. Are you kidding me?  You know, she's kinda occupied right now, and no offense, but I know your husband, and he sort of looks like an Altar Boy.  Not really Angelina's type if you catch my drift". 

Me: "I know, I know.  But we just watched Wanted and now he thinks he might have a chance.  And, hey, speaking of Altar Boys.  You're lucky I'm even in here praying to you right now with all the shit that's gone down with your priests and Altar Boys lately!"

God: "OH, Youdidnotjustsaythat!  This conversation is over.  I'm outta here."

Me:  "Wait!  Don't go... I'm sorry, I take it back!"

"Hello... God... Are you still there?"

"Shhit! Why did I bring up the Altar boys?  I'm such a fucking idiot" 

God:  "I HEARD THAT"