Are you there God? It's me again. Tess.

And so the begging conversation continues in yet another church somewhere in Italy (*see 1st conversation)

Me: "Hello God. It's me again. I just thought I'd stop in to see if you've given anymore thought to what we discussed during our last conversation?"

Waits..

Me: "I mean, I know I probably shouldn't be bothering you right now, with everything else you have going on"

Waits some more...

Me: "Is it the whole "one frenzied night of passion with Rob" that you don't approve of? Because I was thinking I could change that. Why don't I just asked for us to meet, fall in love, and then get married instead?"

Still waiting...

Me: "Oh, Jesus H. Christ! Can we just get on with it? These candles are costing me one Euro each and it's fucking freezing in here.

God: "You know, I don't remember you having Tourettes! When the hell did this happen? You pray to God with that mouth?"

Me: "erm, I didn't think you were listening..."

God: "DIDN'T think I was listening! Woman, how can I NOT hear you? You're like a broken record, droning on and on and on..

Me: "You don't need to make me feel so fucking pathetic about it. It's not like I bother you for that much as it is"

God: "Oh really! What about this: (falsetto voice) "Oh god, if you just make this headache go away I promise never to drink again" or "please God, let these pants still fit" or...

Me: "Yeah well, What have you done for me lately? I also asked for a Schwinn Cruiser once and that never happened, so I figure you owe me"

God: "Do you always do that little thing with your shoulders when you say that?"

Me: "When I say what"

God: "What have you done for me lately? because you really need to stop. It's not a good look."

Me: "You know, maybe I'm not praying to the right person for this. Maybe I should go to Mary with this one. You just don't get it"

God: "Mary? As in The Virgin?"

Me: "Yeah"

God: "Oh. And she would understand this stupid request better becaaauuse why? she's a woman?"

Me: "Exactly!"

God: "And how do you know I'm not a woman? Remember? Gen. 1:27 "God created man in his own image. In the image of God he created them. He created them male and female."

silence...

God: "What? Why are you looking at me that way?"

Me: "You're a hermaphrodite!"

God: "Hermaphro..! Jesus! WHY the fuck do I even bother with you?"

(( POOF))

Me: "Fuck me! *face palms* and *bangs head* on pew

Get's up, walks out of church....