Yogurt... Bringing Sexy Back

Singapore is an odd little island.

Pornography is illegal, yet prostitution is tolerated as long as it's done within registered brothels and not publicly solicited on the street. Most young women wear skirts barely skimming their a**es, BUT statistically, Singaporeans are consistently in the bottom 3 for sexual activity.

Not only are Singaporeans having sex less often, but the population is aging. The situation has become so dire, the government now offers married couples a monetary incentive (called the Baby Bonus) to have more children.

This is why I *giggle* when I see local product advertisements like the ones below.

Seems a shame that someone went to all that trouble laying thousands of tiny tiles and no one's getting get's it.

Craving yogurt,

Tess

Justin Timberlake - Sexy Back -

Still Driven...

I am such an amateur.

State of Rhode Island Department of Motor Vehicles: 1

Tess: 0

My last post ended with me flying to Rhode Island to get my Drivers license. In typical 'Tess' fashion I: gathered, researched, read, and verified anything I could think of to achieve my objective. I even gave up ogling Robert Pattinson so I could devote every spare moment memorizing all 73 pages of the drivers manual!

Highlights from Sec. B: General Notices to Motorist included:

☛ Never attempt to outrun a patrol vehicle or ignore the lights and siren.

☛ Do not duck down or make sudden movements, especially toward the floor, rear seats, or passenger seats. The officer may interpret these movements as an attempt to obtain a weapon or hide illegal goods.

☛ Avoid provoking the officer or showing off in front of your occupants. Do not interfere with the questioning or arresting of other occupants. Comply with the officer first then, if needed, seek an explanation.

And my personal favorite.

☛ The motorist should not pretend he/she does not see the officer, assuming it is another motorist that the officer is attempting to stop.

In order to beat the crowds, we arrived at the DMV at 7:45am⎼a full 45 minutes before it opened. As we joined the queue, I counted 117 people in front of me. The first two of which, had had the foresight to bring their own foldable chairs and magazines. The gentleman directly in front of us had brought a white hand towel. Since I had planned my DMV ensemble quite carefully, I wondered if I had missed something? 'What's with the towel?', we mockingly whispered. 'Do they make you do the dishes if you fail?' 20 minutes later, as sweat was rolling down the backs of my legs, I regretted wearing black during a heatwave. It was then I noticed the gentleman in front of me looking quite refeshed with his hand towel covering his head.

The doors finally opened. 15 minutes, and another queue later, I'm holding number 5003, staring at a monitor. The monitor read 5000. 'It won't be long now' I say. '5001…, 5002…, 5006…, Hey, what happened to 5003? Maybe it's not sequential?' I wait and see. '5007!, What the f*ck!'

I raced up to the counter to whine at ask the DMV officer what was going on! After a slight scolding [for not realizing I should've been watching several monitors], verifying my identity, and proving my Rhode Island residency (conveniently obtained the day before), I was directed to Testing Room 2. My spirits were buoyed by the fact the room number was also indicated in braille. Hey, If they let blind people take the test, this is going to be a breeze!

Once Inside the room, I was greeted by another DMV officer who bore a remarkable resemblance to Tommy Lee Jones. After checking my paperwork yet again, I was directed to testing station 16. I immediately noted how cosy each station was. Not only spacious, each station had generous partitions at each side. These either discouraged cheating off your neighbor or provided cover in the event you wanted to take a nap.

Exams always make me anxious. In addition to worrying about trick questions, I was also concerned about drawing attention to myself. All such thoughts disappeared when a man entered the room. If his tattooed shaven head wasn't enough to get him noticed, his loud shorts and ankle monitor certainly would've done the trick. Instead of sneaking a last minute peak at the drivers manual, I found myself imagining what he'd done to warrant the tether, and If I reminded him of his ex girlfriend. My daydreams were interrupted by the start of the test. As I hit the 'finished' key, I was so relieved when the word PASSED flashed on the screen, I skipped towards the counter and greeted Mr. Jones. He confirmed that I had passed and asked when I would like to schedule my Behind The Wheel test?

Tess: 'Well, this week if possible'

Mr. Jones: 'Well that's not possible'

Tess: 'Why not?'

Mr. Jones: 'Because you have to make an appointment. The first available appointment is Sept 27th. You want 1:30pm or 4:30pm?'

Tess: 'I realise you have to make an appointment. But when I called ahead to explain my situation, I was advised you might be able to fit me in. I'm flying back overseas this weekend and I'd like to get this sorted before I left'

Mr. Jones: 'You don't live in Rhode Island? Why are you applying for a Rhode Island license then?'

Tess: 'No, no.. I do, or that is to say, I will be. I'm relocating back to Rhode Island. But I have to pack up my house. I had hoped to get everything in place so it would be easier once I'm back. You know how it is…' *prays* Please God. I'm lying for a worthy cause. Make him say yes!

Mr Jones: 'Oh yeah, I understand. But even if I could fit you in, Rhode Island law stipulates that you must have your permit for 30 days before you can take the 'Behind the Wheel Test'

Tess: 'WHAT! You're kidding me! NobodySaidAnythingAboutThisWhenICalled! ItDoesn'tSayAnythingAboutThisOnYourWebsite! OrTheManual! I'm not even a minor! I've had a drivers license before!'

Mr. Jones: 'We'll, not in Rhode Island you haven't. You want 1:30pm or 4:30pm'

Tess: '1:30pm is fine, thank you'

So there you have it. I still don't have a valid drives license but I….

-Did finally get to: see, hug, talk, & laugh with friends who are very dear to me (you know who you are).

-Stocked up on undergarments & bathing suits.

-Did Satisfy my Dunkin' Donuts Coffee & Junior Mints craving.

-Almost got a tattoo.

-Took some fun photo's

-Was invited into my old house by a complete stranger.

-Was Bitten by a swan.

-Got chatted up by an extremely hot guy [of questionable sexual orientation], but it still felt nice.

-Saw Pogo Dave

-Spent an entire evening wishing I had BIG hair.

-Had a car salesman give me a something related to a vehicle I could never afford, based solely on our mutual admiration of Top Gear.

-Realised that people in the US are friendlier than those from other countries.

-Discovered I cannot be around Dink and not smoke.

-Confirmed that I have an intense dislike for International economy air travel.

-Wished there was a special place in hell for people who infringe upon your limited space during International economy air travel.

-Can find several ways to entertain myself when bored in a gun shop.

-Rekindled my love for antique shops and bakelite.

-Now know I have a special way with flying squirrels.

-Will forever love Dink because she understands me and my need to take photo's in Swan Point Cemetery.

Sure, I could've probably purchased an entire new identity for the cost of the flights back and forth between Singapore and the States, but I wouldn't have had as much fun.

See you soon and I'm bringing a hand towel.

Love,

Tess

Driving Miss Tess

My drivers license expired in 2004.

In 2004, I was living in Japan. Have you ever tried calling the DMV? Once you stop itching, Imagine doing that from a different time zone thousands of miles away. Yeah… I'd rather drive to Vegas on a holiday weekend with someone who suffers from bladder inconsistence.

In 2004, online renewal wasn't an option. I figured I'd just renew it the next time I was in the States. But the last time I was in the US was 2006, and I didn't go to California. Since 2004, the DMV has modernized. Online renewal is now available, but not for me. My license has been expired for more than one year AND my mailing address has changed. Just shoot me now. I tried calling my embassy but they couldn't help me either. Apparently, they're only good for federal issues, international incidents, and passport renewal... whatever.

You're probably wondering how I've been getting around since then? By Cab.

As some of you know I live in Singapore, where owning a car is incredibly expensive, so I don't own one. Believe it or not, taking a cab is cheaper, so for the past 7 years, I've been coddled like Miss Daisy. I've become so used to the convenience of door-to-door service, I'm not even sure I remember how to drive… let alone park. Not having a valid drivers license hasn’t been an issue traveling outside of Singapore either, because I’ve always traveled with someone who did or because local transportation in those locations was cheap and plentiful - tuk tuk anyone?.

One morning I woke up and thought; how could I have let this happen? What happened to my independence? What if I want to go somewhere alone? What if there's an emergency? What if I need to pick up Robert Pattinson from the airport?

Dramatic exits are greatly impacted as well. Have you ever tried storming out of the house in huff and then sheepishly ask for lift? “I’m leaving!” I’d announce, “But don’t look out the window for the next 3o minutes because I’m going on foot”

Do you see why I need to get this sorted?

I’m flying out tomorrow evening. I’ll make a quick stop in New York, and continue up to Rhode Island. Why Rhode Island you say? This is where my BFF lives. She won’t mind chauffeuring me around, that... and I meet the states minimum vision requirements.

Wish me luck, and if you’re anywhere on I-95, *wave*

With Love and 3 point turns,

Tess

Something Beautiful: Cristina Zenato is Hypnotizing

I might or might not have been responsible for the last 8,000 views of this video.

Truly Mesmerizing.

Enjoy.

Love,

Tess

Cristina Zenato shows us how to hypnotize a shark

Half Baked

If I had to compare myself to a baked good, I guess you could say I’m like a baguette. I’m not only referring to the visual aspects (though I do have a few pointy bits here and there) I’m talking about the baguette as a whole.

Let’s break bread it down, shall we?

A baguette is bread, but it’s not a loaf. It’s not typically what you’d reach for when making a sandwich, and it’s not a cracker. But, you could use it as either if push came to shove.

The down side of a baguette is that left alone for long periods of time they become hard and impenetrable. On the up side, a stale baguette makes a great weapon.

At first glance, a fresh baguette has a firm outer crust, with a little give. Slice it open and you’ll find a softer texture that’s often riddled with air holes caused by the interaction of the ingredients. In my opinion, the air holes are the best part of a baguette. I love that what is seen, as a mistake in other breads, in a baguette, it's an indication that you prepared the recipe correctly.

I prefer to view my own idiosyncrasies as ‘charming texture’ gained through life experience, than an excess of yeast. Wouldn’t you?

Allow me to share…

The Baguette List

1. If the skin on my hands is dry, I can’t breathe.

2. When in a booth, I can’t sit with my left arm exposed to the aisle. Oddly enough, this isn’t an issue when I sit in a chair.

3. I also need to sit facing the entrance or center of a room. Sorry gentlemen, I got there first!

4. Whenever I’m making myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I involuntarily take a bite the moment the two slices of bread are joined together. Before I realised what was happening, I thought there was a poltergeist in my house. I had just finished making the sandwich, looked down; and noted a bite taken out of it! I experienced 15 seconds of pure terror until I tasted the peanut butter on the roof of my mouth.

5. Even if I love you, the sound of your coughing annoys the motherfuckinghell out of me.

6. My left eye is amblyopic and doesn’t receive signals from my brain when my right eye is open. As a result: 3D movies are a waste, you can sneak up on me from the left, and it’s illegal for me to drive in a few States.

7. I straighten the shelves in books shops. Yep, if anything is out of place, I’ll spend however long it takes sorting that shit out.

8. I straighten things out in every shop. I can’t help myself. Invite me over.

9. Birds as pets? Hate it.

I would usually end a list on an even number, but I just noted the time on my laptop, and it adds up to an auspicious number, so I’ll stop here.

To be continued…

With Love and Neurosis,

Tess

The Silver Lining

Just because I feel it's important to keep things in perspective... I'm Alive (and well).

Kenny Chesney w/Dave Matthews "I'm Alive"

PS: I know throwing up a video doesn't really count as a blog post... but bear with me.

PPS: Dave Matthews is a treat for the ears... and Kenny Chesney wears the hell out of his hat.

That's all for now.

With Love,

Tess

89... It's just a number - or is it?

There's nothing significant about this post aside from the fact that it will be will be my 89th since the the inception of this blog.

I have a thing for numbers (I won't bore you with the details), but suffice to say I've been reluctant to move past my 88th post.

The number 8 has always represented good things to me, so when I noted the number of my last post, I could't help but take it as a sign or omen of better things to come. I mean... come on! if I one 8 is good, two 8's has to be some sort of wonderful, right?

hmmm.. no significant change noted.

You can't always get what you want.... and sometimes.... that really fucking sucks.

That's it for now.

With Love,

Tess

Rolling Stones - "You can't always get what you want"