Half Baked

If I had to compare myself to a baked good, I guess you could say I’m like a baguette. I’m not only referring to the visual aspects (though I do have a few pointy bits here and there) I’m talking about the baguette as a whole.

Let’s break bread it down, shall we?

A baguette is bread, but it’s not a loaf. It’s not typically what you’d reach for when making a sandwich, and it’s not a cracker. But, you could use it as either if push came to shove.

The down side of a baguette is that left alone for long periods of time they become hard and impenetrable. On the up side, a stale baguette makes a great weapon.

At first glance, a fresh baguette has a firm outer crust, with a little give. Slice it open and you’ll find a softer texture that’s often riddled with air holes caused by the interaction of the ingredients. In my opinion, the air holes are the best part of a baguette. I love that what is seen, as a mistake in other breads, in a baguette, it's an indication that you prepared the recipe correctly.

I prefer to view my own idiosyncrasies as ‘charming texture’ gained through life experience, than an excess of yeast. Wouldn’t you?

Allow me to share…

The Baguette List

1. If the skin on my hands is dry, I can’t breathe.

2. When in a booth, I can’t sit with my left arm exposed to the aisle. Oddly enough, this isn’t an issue when I sit in a chair.

3. I also need to sit facing the entrance or center of a room. Sorry gentlemen, I got there first!

4. Whenever I’m making myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I involuntarily take a bite the moment the two slices of bread are joined together. Before I realised what was happening, I thought there was a poltergeist in my house. I had just finished making the sandwich, looked down; and noted a bite taken out of it! I experienced 15 seconds of pure terror until I tasted the peanut butter on the roof of my mouth.

5. Even if I love you, the sound of your coughing annoys the motherfuckinghell out of me.

6. My left eye is amblyopic and doesn’t receive signals from my brain when my right eye is open. As a result: 3D movies are a waste, you can sneak up on me from the left, and it’s illegal for me to drive in a few States.

7. I straighten the shelves in books shops. Yep, if anything is out of place, I’ll spend however long it takes sorting that shit out.

8. I straighten things out in every shop. I can’t help myself. Invite me over.

9. Birds as pets? Hate it.

I would usually end a list on an even number, but I just noted the time on my laptop, and it adds up to an auspicious number, so I’ll stop here.

To be continued…

With Love and Neurosis,

Tess