Exsqueeze Me?

Dear Rob,

I know what you are. I can't believe I didn't see it before! You're a Shirt-Squeezer, Coat-Crusher, Jacket-Jeopardiser (eh?). You cannot be trusted with outer garments! (inner garments? yeah. but that's another post)

What's going on here babe? Are you trying to shut it up, or make it talk?

And what's wrong with this one? Not warm enough? Too blue? Too nylonY?

Look at the way you're reaming this poor thing out. I can't watch.

This one really breaks my heart. Tossed aside while you're wearing it's replacement. That's cold man.

New jacket Rob? what happened to the other one? run away?.. or worse.

Now this picture makes sense.

Put the jacket down Pattinson, and get your hands up where I can see them.

It needs to stop. You can't keep doing this to things that keep you warm! I understand you've been under a lot of stress, so I've found something else you can take your frustrations out on; Meet Mr. Smiley ↴

He's soft, cheerful, squeezable, and will always retain his shape. What more could you ask for?

*Sigh* I know, I know ─ you'd rather squeeze me, but I wouldn't fit in your pocket.

That's it's for now.

♥ Love ♥

Tess

Ch. 2: A Girls Guide to the First Date

Congratulations! All that stalking and praying hard work has finally paid off, and Robert Pattinson has asked you out.

Now what are you going to do?

Many of you have asked me this very same question (I exaggerate), so I thought I'd compile a list (because I can't help myself) to help you navigate through any 'first date' awkwardness. You can thank me later.

A Girls Guide to the First Date

1) Now is not the time to whip out that soggy, dog-eared picture of your ideal wedding gown.

2) Avoid responding to everything Rob says with: “OMG! Me too!”

3) Leave the Duct tape at home.

4) Know the difference between good conversation and too much information (TMI).

5) Still not sure? TMI would be: a) telling him you wore adult diapers on the drive over, because you didn't want to be late for your date b) that one time in college, and c) you can't eat cauliflower because it gives you gas.

6) Don't act like a 'Bunny Boiler'. In fact, avoid all references to the movie Fatal Attraction.

7) Try not to jump up and down screaming; “OMG! OMG! OMG!” when you first see one another ☛ unless you're a D cup, then by all means, bounce away.

8) Resist the urge to sniff him.

9) Which reminds me─Don't sniff your food before you eat it either. No one's trying to poison you, and it just looks strange.

10) Repeat after me: “Insanity.does.not.run.in.your.family”.

11) Avoid all conversation about your dead cat, your wacky relatives, or what a bastard your ex boyfriend was. Retain an air of mystery... i.e., save it for the next date.

12) Under no circumstances are you to share the names you've chosen for your future unborn children.

13) If Rob leaves something on his plate, refrain from picking up your fork and asking: “Are you gonna eat that?”

14) No one needs to hear why you think you're 'God's Warrior Princess'. Trust me on this one.

15) Don't shave your legs. Where do you go from there??

16) If for some reason, you ignored #15, don't drink too much. It would be a shame not to remember that.

I should stop now. It's getting late, and you better get ready. Have fun, but don't do anything I wouldn't do. If you do, make sure you name it after me *wink*

That's it for now.

Love,

Tess

So, what are you wearing tomorrow?

Dear Rob,

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted, but I've been busy trying to catch up after a long holiday. That, and I really didn't feel like getting sucked into the whole are they or aren't they drama that's surrounding you and Kristen Stewart at the moment. The entire subject has gotten beyond obsessive. What with all the minutely analyzed photo's of; Shirts, hats, hotels, backpacks, and bracelets! Oh, my!

What do people think you are? Garanimals? Oh, and for the record, I'm laughing hard imagining Kstew going along with the whole “matching outfit” scenario.

I don't think I've seen anything this polarizing since Hillary Clinton. It's as though lines have been drawn in the sand, with both sides so sure they're right and willing [to dedicate huge amounts of time] to prove their point.

To be honest, It's just too f*cking bizarre for me.

So, I've decided that since you've never commented on my relationship, I'm not going to comment on yours.

What's that you're saying???

“You don't know me, the person I'm with, AND it's none of your business?”

Yeah, that's my whole point.

Ps: Feel free to call me if you ever want to talk about our relationship ;)

That's it for now.

XOXOXOXOTess

Just call me Pilgrim

I'm currently in Tuscany, so I thought I'd go to Mecca Montepulciano and revisit a city I love. I planned to snap a few pictures, do a bit of shopping, have a gelato, and see if I could sense any lingering essence of Robert Pattinson from when he was here this past May filming scenes for New Moon.

To heighten the experience, I tried to walk in the foot steps of the 'Sparkly One'.

This is the Palazzo Comunale. The fountain is gone, but that didn't stop me from sprinting across the piazza and flinging myself through the doorway shouting various nonsense.

I really wanted to sit in same spot as Rob, but given the man's rumored potency, I thought it best to stand.

After seeing various photo's of Rob's body coming in contact with these doors, I couldn't resist touching them myself. I would've licked them too, but I was attracting enough attention as it was.

Yeah, no matter how much I prayed... the doorway remained empty.

Whaaat?? No Mountain lion?

My, erm... 'feminine attributes' were doing odd things to the moon, so I had to pass.

Tess: 'Scusimi singnora. Will this make me sparkle?'

Sales Lady: 'Cosa?'

Edward really needs to wear a pair of these in Eclipse don't you think? Yep, because nothing says; "I can rip your f**cking head off" like these shoes.

~

You know, I've always loved this city. The view from the walls, the charming windows and doorways you spot in unexpected places, the history, the people, so I really can't say if it feels less or more to me knowing that Rob has possibly walked where my feet have tread... but what I will say, is that it definitely gave me an excuse to be a dork for a day.

That's it for now people. Go home, there's nothing left to see...

Love,

Tess

A Baker's Dozen

Dear Rob,

You have no idea how happy you made me with this quote:

“Chatting with Bop magazine, Twilight star Robert Pattinson asserts, “I think we all have the right to fall in love several times. I think you can love ten people at the same time.”

Finally! A man who can appreciate me.

Tess = Multiple Personalities.

Yeah, I guess you could consider me One-Stop-Shopping, because there's at least ten different woman inside me

'Wait, that didn't sound right!'

'Oh, and you could do better?'

'One-Stop-Shopping? LAME!'

'Great. Now we sound cheap'

'Cheap? I'm not cheap. I'm just on special!!'

'No. You're just cheap'

'Tart!'

'Cow!'

'JFC! Will you all stfu! I'm trying to sleep here!'

'Oh, um, sorry. G'night Tess'

'Yeah, night Tess'

'Night Tess'

'Goodnight John-boy'

'Bwahahaha!'

'Snort'

'Sshhhh'

That's it for now.

Call Us!

Love,

Tess

A Magic Wand and Great Balls of Fire?

Over the past several weeks, I've seen several video's of Robert Pattinson filming Remember Me in and around the streets of New York City. The set is surprisingly open, so there are always large groups of fans hoping for a glance, along with the ever present swarm of Paparazzo.

I've been in constant awe of Rob's ability to keep his focus and his cool, but this recent video of what I'm sure he'd hoped would be a relaxed dinner with close friends and work associates takes the cake! As always, his behavior is beyond reproach. And even though he did deliver a biting retort, which I'm sure didn't register with the gnat filming him until much later, he was more polite than perhaps I would've been.

I've often wondered how he manages? I've come to the conclusion that he is definitely a man of strong mettle. Yep, he must have balls spheres of steel!

Let's just hope for my sake his aren't as shiny or sparkly as these, or I'd never stop playing with, touching, looking at, err.. um, yeah, well... I'd never get anything done!

That's it for now.

Love and Bocce Balls,

Tess

Hush boy... talk with your lips...

Dear Rob,

It's been reported that you recently gave some insight on what it’s like to kiss you on the set.

“I always get carried away when I’m kissing,” the hunky British actor told Twist magazine. “I just go nuts! Walking away after it is the strangest moment for me. It’s embarrassing — not knowing what to say to each other.”

ME TOO!!!!!

Erm, not the on the set part, the I always get carried away when kissing part. I love to kiss. To me, there's something far more intimate about kissing than any other physical act.

The closeness

The sounds

The sighs

The mummers

The taste

The anticipation

The warmth

The mingling of breath

It's as though as long as the kiss lasts, you're connected, or share one another's essence. I once read that ancient lovers believed that kissing would unite their souls, because it was believed the spirit was carried in your breath.

So, yeah Rob. You don't need to threaten me with a good time. Bring it.

That's it for now,

Love and Kisses,

Tess