Friday, February 12, 2010

Rob. Have I got a two-ply offer for you!

Dear R♥b,

Valentine's Day is almost upon us and I have been in an absolute panic trying to find a way to show you my love without getting arrested. Then the sky opened up, and this picture surfaced yesterday.



You might call this an accident of fate, but I call it divine intervention.



Voila! The perfect Valentine's gift!



Since it's obvious that no one is doing this for you, let's face it, you need me to stock your trailer. As your Valentine, I will ensure that your bathroom is always well supplied with an array of toilet tissue for every occasion:



Monogrammed, so you know you're in the right loo.


For those more musical moments.



For those particularly lengthy visits.



And to assure you that my intentions are honorable, here's a roll to prove it:




Yep, they don't call me ToiletPaperManLiquidGirl for nothing. I guess you could say.....


Happy Valentine's Day


With ultra-softness and 20% more Love,

Tess


Thursday, February 4, 2010

Ode à une sauterelle



r-p-o-p-h-e-s-s-a-g-r

by e.e. cummings



r-p-o-p-h-e-s-s-a-g-r

who

a)s w(e loo)k

upnowgath

PPEGORHRASS

eringint(o-

aThe):l

eA

!p:

S a

(r

rIvInG .gRrEaPsPhOs)

to

rea(be)rran(com)gi(e)ngly

,grasshopper;





T(hwI :El(vo),

tess


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Auld Lang Syne


Hello and Happy New Year.


It's been ages since my last post. I wish I could say It's because: I'm still on holiday, been love-napped by Robert Pattinson, or I'm doing something incredibly important—but I can't. I've just been busy contemplating my 2009—and given my erratic thought patterns... this took some time.


They say you learn something everyday, and while I won't subject you to 365 of my mental meanderings, here are a few *coughs* thoughts which stood out for me during the past year.



1. Liver—Yuk. How can something that smells so good taste so nasty?


2. Don't water yourself down for anyone. Be authentic.


3. There's a difference between going with the flow and being swept away.


4. I can't eat leeks—who knew.


5. Sometimes the truth is something that's not exactly a lie.


6. No matter what you Google, there's porn.


7. Why compare yourself to others? Everyone is needed.


8. Check logic at the door and trust your instincts.


9. I feel awkward typing acronyms like: LOL, LMAO, etc... so I avoid them when possible.


10. Thought without action is invalid.


11. The flushing sound of a toilet on an airplane scares the fuck out of me—every single time.


12. I will inevitably have to pee between 5-10 times during an international flight— causing fellow passengers to wonder and scaring myself senseless at the same time.


13. There is no such thing as a coincidence.


14. Certain words make me smile (but that's another post)


15. I don't cry prettily.


16. You can't walk a cat.


17. Humility cannot be claimed.


18. I love mandalas.


19. Life is short—eat dessert first.


20. Once and a while, people who come to mean a lot to you—come unexpectedly.


21. I consciously cuss on a daily basis.


22. Be PRESENT. If you spend too much time thinking about the past or wondering about the future you'll miss it.


23. Periodically ask yourself: 'Is this the way I want to spend the rest of my life?' If the answer is 'No'—do something about it.


24. I aplogise too much, and I'm really sorry about that.


25. Some people are just unreasonable.


26. Sometimes I'm unreasonable.


27. No. I don't want to have make up sex. I'm annoyed. Do you really want me that close to your penis?


28. Not everyone is going to like you.


29. No one can make you angry—it's something you choose to be.


30. Never try to out drink a Sikh.


31. I feel that true inner strength lies in how much you can withstand, not dish out.


32. I cannot be productive and think about Robert Pattinson at the same time.


33. It's wonderful if you make someone happy, but if you're not happy—what's the point?


34. I strive to be good, because I don't think they let you read in hell.


35. Your words and thoughts have power.


36. If you think about saying or doing anything 3X during a short period of time, you should probably say it or do it.


37. I'll admit it: Seeing comments on my blog makes me really happy.


38. I need to be fluent in a second language.


39. Say what you feel. Someone could be waiting to hear it.


40. Live honestly.


41. "Do you wanna touch my Tree of Life", and other such comments, is not going to get you laid—not by me anyway.


42. Don't let: shyness, indecision, and fear stop you from living the life you want.


43. You cannot receive what you're not prepared to give.


44. Cats don't meow at other cats—they only meow at people. Pay attention... it's true.


45. In my next life, I want to come back as a really hot Indian woman.


46. If there's somewhere you've always wanted to visit and no one will go with you... go anyway.


47. I'm happiest when I'm being creative.


48. Try this: Experience a food, a place, a thing, or someone you love with all 5 of your senses—just try it.



Alright... for those of you still with me, 48 seems like a good number to stop. 4+8= 12 and 12 is good number. I'd tell you why, but then you might not read my blog again.


PS: If you have any realisations from 2009 you'd like to share, I'd love to hear them!


That's it for now.


Love,

Tess


Friday, December 4, 2009

4 Hearts Beat as One...

Dear Rob,


I don't think we can ignore the writing on the wall. It's right there in front of our faces (literally),in black and white — we belong together.



It's the look of ♥...
Four ♥'s are better than one...
I wear my ♥ on my face...
I only have ♥'s for you...


Or as Sir John Vanbrugh once said: "Once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her " ~ So what d'ya say we merge and make various shades of gray?

Call me ;)


PS: If you hurry we can still send out Christmas cards.


With all my ♥,

Tess


Monday, November 30, 2009

Let Me Tell You a Bedtime Story

Dear Rob,


I have a question I've been burning to ask you; what is it with men and sex? You guys can sleep without it—right?


I have looked at this picture at least half a dozen times and trust me... I am not even slightly sleepy. If anything, it makes me feel down right perky. Perhaps you're reading the wrong types of books, and would be open to a few recommendations.


May I suggest the following by Lauren Child?


I figured we could read it together. You wear the bottoms; I'll wear the top; I'll make you pink milk, and then we'll have good cuddle.



That's it for now.


I'll leave the light on for y♥u,

Tess


Monday, November 16, 2009

Dear God, It's Me Tess. What The Hell?

Dear God,

When I prayed that Rob and I would be really really close one day...I didn't mean RELATED!

I know you don't have a sense of humor...but if this is your idea of a joke—I am not laughing *whispers* You're not still pissed off I didn't join the convent...are you?


Center: My Father


I'm feeling a bit sick right now. I think I need to go lie down.

Somebody find me Mrs. Pattinson's phone number... I think I she forgot to include me on the extended family guest list.


That's it for now,

Love
Tess

Monday, November 2, 2009

Time Flies When You're Having Fun!

Seriously.

The one year anniversary of my blog came and went and I didn't even notice. I published my first post on October 22, 2008. Given that I just ramble most of the time, I'm not even sure if I can call this a blog―a blog is supposed to be about something... right?


As far as I can tell my blog has ADHD. But even this statement contradicts itself, because if that were true, I'd post more often. And since I've only posted 44 times in the past 54 weeks―I can't use that excuse. Hey wait! 44! That's a good number! 4+4 = 8 and 8 is my lucky number! if you take an 8 and turn it on it's side it's a symbol for.... Oh Jesus, there I go again...What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, my blog―and how infrequently I post.


You know, I'd probably post more often if it weren't for the Tesses (pushy bitches) always trying to add their two cents in. You have no idea what I go through. You think I'm kidding? I'm not. Do I dare tell you how many half finished textual meanderings I have stashed away?


I start writing...

It's flowing...

I like it...

Hell, I might even love it...

'Yeah, I think to myself, this shit is fucking funny!'

'Dude!, I continue, This might be the best thing you've ever written!'

'Whoa! It's getting late. I'm better go to bed'


File... Save as... blah blah blah... With a self-satisfied smile, I go to sleep feeling really good about myself.


I wake up the next morning.

I re-read it.

I hate it

WTF.


I'm seriously beginning to wonder about myself―maybe I am suffering from a multiple personality disorder... or ADHD. No, wait! maybe I have ADHD and OCD, or maybe I have issues with commitment―or a short attention span... OR MAYBE I'M JUST FUCKING BORING!!!


stops to think...


Nah... I banished 'Boring Tess'.


Anywho...


♥♡♥ HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME ♥♡♥


That's it for now.


Lot's of ♥ and thank you for reading,

Tess