Ch. 2: A Girls Guide to the First Date

Congratulations! All that stalking and praying hard work has finally paid off, and Robert Pattinson has asked you out.

Now what are you going to do?

Many of you have asked me this very same question (I exaggerate), so I thought I'd compile a list (because I can't help myself) to help you navigate through any 'first date' awkwardness. You can thank me later.

A Girls Guide to the First Date

1) Now is not the time to whip out that soggy, dog-eared picture of your ideal wedding gown.

2) Avoid responding to everything Rob says with: “OMG! Me too!”

3) Leave the Duct tape at home.

4) Know the difference between good conversation and too much information (TMI).

5) Still not sure? TMI would be: a) telling him you wore adult diapers on the drive over, because you didn't want to be late for your date b) that one time in college, and c) you can't eat cauliflower because it gives you gas.

6) Don't act like a 'Bunny Boiler'. In fact, avoid all references to the movie Fatal Attraction.

7) Try not to jump up and down screaming; “OMG! OMG! OMG!” when you first see one another ☛ unless you're a D cup, then by all means, bounce away.

8) Resist the urge to sniff him.

9) Which reminds me─Don't sniff your food before you eat it either. No one's trying to poison you, and it just looks strange.

10) Repeat after me: “Insanity.does.not.run.in.your.family”.

11) Avoid all conversation about your dead cat, your wacky relatives, or what a bastard your ex boyfriend was. Retain an air of mystery... i.e., save it for the next date.

12) Under no circumstances are you to share the names you've chosen for your future unborn children.

13) If Rob leaves something on his plate, refrain from picking up your fork and asking: “Are you gonna eat that?”

14) No one needs to hear why you think you're 'God's Warrior Princess'. Trust me on this one.

15) Don't shave your legs. Where do you go from there??

16) If for some reason, you ignored #15, don't drink too much. It would be a shame not to remember that.

I should stop now. It's getting late, and you better get ready. Have fun, but don't do anything I wouldn't do. If you do, make sure you name it after me *wink*

That's it for now.

Love,

Tess

A Girls Guide to Obsessing

I just thought I'd share a few of my secrets on "How I incorporate Rob into every part of my day":

1. For those of you who are still trying to keep this separate, Don't. Combine the two, embrace it, wallow in it. Feel dirty.

2. Need a pedicure? Go get one --- Just in case Rob feels the need to method act again, and sneaks into your bedroom to watch you sleep...you'll want to have nice toes for this.

3. Thinking about getting your breast augmented? blow it off... you never know if there's some truth to those bromance rumors.

4. Hate Grocery shopping? Think of Rob in the produce section! You'll never look at a banana again without smiling. Try not to bruise the fruit though, this really pisses people off.

5. Your man been after you to get a brazilian wax? humor him. We know who it's for *wink*

6. Quit going to your therapist. It saves money and Rob likes "Nuts Girls".

7. Not in the mood to cook or can't? Nuke a Hot Pocket. If it's good enough for Rob, it's good enough for anyone.

8. It's finally safe to admit that you've always had a thing for guys with Unibrow's (see above picture).

9. Your friend really wants to rent Vanity Fair? Say "yes" followed by, "Oh look! let's watch the alternative ending". Same goes for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and The Order of the Phoenix... Say yes!

10. Need an excuse to practice your penmanship? How about combining your first name with Rob's last name... Come on, you know you want to!

11. Trying to become more computer literate? Spend a few hours everyday on ROBsessed ! You're bound to pick up something!

12. Spend countless hours pondering your character. Rob says he wants to find a girl with character. Just what does he mean? Is he referring to character lines.. or..?

These are just a few ways you can incorporate Rob into your everyday life and still manage to function. I hope you find them useful.

Love,

Tess